Juggling with New Year Resolutions

I’ve been making a new year resolutions for a few years. I've always hope for good health, good pay and always give myself a target on how much I wanted to save for the year and some silly resolutions like how many movies I watched this year!..lol.. Well, I've go through my list of resolutions this year to know whether I achieved some ..hehhehehe…this is the results:-

2008 Resolutions

1. To finish my car installment early (√)
2. To buy my own first house (√)
3. To get 4 papers pass (ACCA)
4. To save money to RM $$$$$
5. Career/salary/rewards development (√)
6. Jerusalem vacations

2009 Resolutions

1. To make those close to my heart happy (family, friendship, loves..etc)
2. No more sorrows,pains,hurts…(in other words avoiding the causes)
3. Career development
4. To finish my ACCA level
5. New car??? Hehhehe
6. Jerusalem vacation and more, more and more vocations
7. Saving $$$$ is important to achieve all my goals.. hehehehhe..

But life can’t promise it all. Just imagine life like a game and we are juggling a ball, say 5 balls in the air. Just named it, work, family, health, friends and loves and spirits, and we’re keeping all of these in the air. To me I understand that work is a rubber ball. If I drop it, it will bounce back. And the other balls-family, health, friends and love, and spirit made of glass. If we drop one of these, they will irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. So that how my resolutions comes from..hehehhehe…

 So..Happy Blessed New Year 2009..

 p/s: the song played at my blog right now.. nothing to do with this post.. just for fun…  a bad one..  hehehhehee… sorry for the bad words…

What Christmas Means To ..

Simply, the meaning Christmas for most people is one of the biggest holidays in a year (for a Christians) and most people have impression that they should do something fun and unique during the Christmas. But on the other hand, Christmas is a Holy Day from Christians point of view. Christmas is the day that Jesus Christ was born, and people every year celebrate for His birth, and appreciates the Jesus being in the nature. Unfortunately, some people abuse Christmas day by becoming too commercialized. People are not becoming aware of the real meaning of Christmas but concentrate on buying things, and have fun. There are too many problems caused from Christmas such as more crime, traffic congestion and crowdedness. People are taking Christmas as an opportunity for them to have fun. What do you think?

Christmas meant much more to me after I had a personal relationship with Jesus. Christmas was now about honoring Jesus' birth. Church had become part of my life and no matter where we were at Christmas, if I could I would slip out for an hour to attend a Christmas service. There I could be with other people who understood Christmas and celebrate it with them.

I wanted Christmas to be a special for my family especially to my young ‘soldiers’ (hehehehe..anak2 buah) .Their excitement over it gave it added meaning for me. It was fun creating our own family Christmas traditions. I enjoyed coming up with surprise presents that would delight my family. I've been pleased that we've often been able to be together as a family on Christmas morning although one of my sister converted to other religion. But, the traditions are keep on and even the children know how to honored the Christmas (to me they only excited on the presents and foods hahahhaha..whatever..)

I wanted Christmas to be about Jesus for my family, so we'd keep telling the story of Jesus' birth together. For me the Christmas story is full of symbolic meaning, whether it's true or not. One of my favorite parts about the story is that God, in the form of Jesus, connected with us by entering our world and walking in our shoes. If we take time to connect with other people that way at Christmas, maybe we can help make their Christmases more meaningful.  

No matter how old you are, the true reason we celebrate at this time of year is to celebrate the coming of God to the world of men. Because "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life."

What does Christmas mean to me? Finding Jesus with fresh joy and the wonder of childhood, happy in thought that His born means a salvation, peace on earth and for all of us, the brightness of the stars shining in the heaven to light the way for Thee and the loves that makes it all is what Christmas means to me. May HE be the first object of our lives, every morning and every second… God Bless You All…

Auntie..does Santa Clause Exist?

Last night, me and family putting up the Christmas tree with a new Christmas decorations (yes.. I did went to mall.. to get back my Christmas spirit.. hehehhe). My nephew and niece keep asking me “ Auntie..auntie..is Santa exist? How we know there is Santa Clause? Is he always wearing red and fat?.” One thing about my nephew and niece is, they will keep asking till they get the convincing answers. They are still too little and too curious to know. I don’t want to disappoint them and I’ll do my best to give an ‘answer’ to them which they can keep till they grow up. So, I searched through internet to find the best ‘answers’. Not a fairy tales. So, I found this story which I can give to them tonight.

"In 1897, an eight year old girl named Virginia O'Hanlon was told by other children that there was no Santa Claus. She asked her father if Santa Claus really existed, but when her father tried to avoid the question, she decided to find someone who could tell her! Whenever their family had a question they couldn't answer, they wrote to their newspaper "The New York Sun," and asked for the answer. So little Virginia said, "Well, I'm just going to write The Sun and find out the real truth,' Her father replied: "Go ahead, Virginia. I'm sure The Sun will give you the right answer, as it always does."

The little girl's letter was mailed and came to the desk of one of the Sun's Editors, Francis P. Church. Mr. Church knew that he needed to answer the little girl's question truthfully. His answer would become one of the most famous editorials in American history! Mr. Church answered with "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”. the letter wrote by young Virginia is”

“I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so. Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?”

(Virginia O'Hanlon)

The answers from The Sun:

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!

From The People's Almanac, pp. 1358-9.)

I might answer like this to my ‘kiddies’ hehehhe… “Santa Clause exists whenever you feel loves and spread the love to one another. We cant see Santa Claus but if we can feel the spirit of the Christmas.. Santa is there. And of course with the presence of Lord Jesus” Hopefully they will satisfy.

Or any other answers I can give to them? I don’t want to make it complicated on their age now.. Maybe I should learn also so that I can pass to my ‘future children’.. wakakkakaka…

12 Days Before Christmas..Where Is The Spirit?

Where is my Christmas spirit? It’s seems to have run away. I don’t feel much like celebrating. I have no present wrapped and not even do the shopping.. not like before I’m so excited if December come. What happened to me? And it’s so close to Christmas day (it is 12 days to Christmas…huh?..) No light deco, no Christmas music, no warmness of Christmas at my office and..NOT even at home? Where my spirits of Christmas go? Is someone or anybody trying to take Christ from me?

How to get into Christmas spirit again? Is it too late now? Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace, love and goodwill to all. But with all the stress and bad emotion in this season, I end up feeling more like Mr. Grinch who wants to steal the Christmas mood from everyone.  My nephew, niece, sisters, brother and mum must be upset of me because every year I’m the one who always started the ‘Christmas mood’. I’m so sorry.. feel too bad and pity of myself.  Every year I yearn for the Christmas feeling that we are family used to have - the one that is brought to mind by silver bells, Christmas tree, present wrapped with colorful paper, exchange gifts, greeting cards, simple wine and of course a Christmas dinner..

Well, maybe I should go out to the malls, participate with the commotion out there. Try to enjoy with the crowd and make myself busy with gifts. What else? I don’t know. Or maybe watch some movies relate to Christmas feeling.. right? Oh God, guide me again to the meaning of the Christmas. It’s seems faded away… uncontrollable. I may never find all the answers and I may never understand why. But I know that I still have to try.

Grumbling Again..

Have you ever feel tired in your life? Not because of work but more on ‘yourself’.  Yes I did and I hate it the most. Now I’m realized what drove me more tired than other routine of life. But I cannot do anything. I can feel my heart crushed inside of my chest. My brain tired of repeating the best solution or answer to give it to the best. Tired of hoping, misled, pleasing but always become number 2 , laughing to make it easier to people  and tired of giving all that I have to get nothing in return except the scars. 

Tired of reflecting on memories by wanting them to last forever. Living in the false hope and know is not true but no strength to believe it. Feel tired for something I want too but cannot obtained, waiting and seeing things through from broken windows, listening to the promises but never come true.  And yes I’m feeling down because of being hurts, played, lies, alone, tears, alone, jerk, games and ….. dead ends.

I’m tired by letting my life being in other people hands and tired of answering their demands. The future is coming and I can’t let it ruined by living in the past. I’m really looking the way to come out and wished for the super strength to leave it behind.

Why are you cast down. O  my soul, why you disquteted within me?. Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my help and my God

(Psalm 42:11)

This Is The Road You Walk!!

I can’t sleep. Too much thinking or stress yet to heal? Maybe.. I don’t know. I dig up my wardrobe with intention to pack all my unused stuff and keep it at the corner of room and guess what? I found my old diary…. years ago. I can’t stop myself to read it…again and again. Almost 2 hours to finished it. Wah.. the stories of 364 days! Then I compared what I’ve done this year..nothing to be proud of.. mostly a ‘grey episodes’ arrgghh.. why? I’m in deep ‘emotion’ this year. I should gain back that energy and excitement. Yes.. I should.

I don’t know why suddenly I remember this song. It is because of the lyrics? the meaning? I’m not sure. But I know it’s mean something to me. I hope I can figure it out soon.

Towards The Future Look! Look at your feet

This is the road you walk

Look! Look ahead of you

That is your future

My mother gave me so much kindness

"Embrace, love and walk," she said over and over

At that time I was still immature I didn't understand her meaning

She held my hand And walked with me

Our dreams are always high up in the sky

It's scary that they might not come true

But we still continue to chase them

Because it's our story

We don't want to give up

When I was unsure, she held my hand and walked with me
There were times when I hated that kindness

When separated from my mother

I couldn't be obedient

Look! Look at your feet

This is the road you walk

Look! Look ahead of you

That is your future

There were times when I hated that kindness

When separated from my mother I couldn't be obedient

Look! Look at your feet

This is the road you walk

Look! Look ahead of you

That is your future

Look! Look at your feet

This is the road you walk

Look! Look ahead of you

That is your future Turn towards the future

Let's walk slowly...

Anyway, it is Japanese song. I’m sure you all know it. The song title ‘Miraie’. I’ve translate it… couldn’t remember where I get it. But I did wrote at my diary. There’s must be something that I miss.. hehhehe..will figure it out soon.. who knows.. will answer some of my questions.. hahahaha

Welcome To My Life

(Happy Weekend Everybody....)

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be like me

Everybody asked me how am I today? why? how come?..well..feel lazy to answer and not in a mood of talking (but yes to chat..hehheehe..know what I mean). So to make it short here how I feel today..just refer to the LYRICS..Whatever It is...Rock On!!! :)

It's Time to Wake Up and Change

‘Change can be difficult for most people. But in order to be happy we have to become better. And becoming better involves change. So, why you afraid to change? Anything that is alive grows and changes constantly. Only dead things cease to grow. Don’t be afraid to change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something even better’

I still remembered this speech given by one of the priest (cant remembered the name.. ^_^… hehehe sorry) during the homily few months ago. It’s keep tangling me till this day. I know that I need to do something but I keep procrastinate it. I keep telling myself that any intention to change and get out from my comfort zone will be better instead of waiting and watching. But I don’t have a gut to do it. Excuses, complaining, blaming, comparing make me feel safe to stay in my comfort zone.

But for these past few days, I have a little faith to do it. Why know I realize it? Hehehhehe… maybe because I afraid to change and lose something in return? Emm..maybe…hahaha. I feel motivated when my big bos pay a visit at my workplace for few days and give a lot of inspiring words for us to keep change and grow. Thanks for it. At least he do give me ‘something’ to make my move. Change, move and grow….

Good Bye and Rise Up

For quite sometimes I’ve learned to say good bye to all my troubles my tear and my sigh. This ‘world’ where I roam cannot be my safest place anymore. I will leave this ‘world’ and walk and talk with My Lord and have a feast with Him everyday with His word. I have to leave this ‘world’ so that I won’t have the blues anymore. And when I step across that shore, I’ll never pine for I’ll leave behind. Good bye to each sorrow and sigh. I can’t stay here anymore. I guess it’s time for me to say good bye. I have to go out and taste the joy and all the blessed things which given to me by My Lord. I’m gonna rise and shout “WATCH UP… !!! It’s me coming back”. Sound good? Hehehehe… yeah..I feel it too.

The moment I feel down I’ll assure that is the time to rise again. Take a part in this spinning world and let go my worries in the air. I’ve always been the kind of person. Hiding my face and so afraid to tell the world. But now, I have this dream… right inside of me and I’m going to let it show. It is the time to let everybody know. There’s no way to hold it on. No more hiding who I want to be. Let this coming year reveal myself. I’m tired to keep on hold for something that I want to be. So, this is my promise to myself…my Christmas wouldn’t be the same as before. There is hoping spirit in me. I will roar like a lion in a dessert and fly like an eagle with Armour of God ….whoaahahhaa…