Finding myself

Looking back 10 years ago…I questioned myself, what I am going to be in 10 years time… Looking back my old black diary 10 years ago make me realized one thing.. the excitement, which hardly to find in myself now…

And now I question myself again, who, what and where I am in 10 years time from now… looking back all the dreams written in the old black diary, something inside urge me to make it real though some of it looks impossible ..hehhehee…

Someone emailed me the so called yearly horoscope (I don’t believe this but good for alertness hehehehhe) that I’m not doing really good this year except in my career. So, must focus in my career for stable income, reputation and recognition. Money ~ Not good for short-term investment, spend wisely, no lottery or windfall luck. Love unstable, up and down. Health~ need to pay attention in my safety while I’m not home, need to visit doctor regularly (which I hate to), take care more people at my home despite on my busy career. In other words, I only have a fair luck in this year of tiger hehehhee…the major events its only related to my career and reputation….sigh..

Despite a lot of struggle and juggling in my life … disappointment, non-acceptance, heart break, loss and much more it doesn’t stop me to ‘dream again’ hehehhee.. thank you for long holiday CNY which give me a time to clear my wardrobe and found my old diary. Looking back for excitement in life, try everything which will cross my mind, try to make it real… spread my wings and fly.. thank you to those who make me braved and strong again, thank you to those who let me down coz it will make me stand again…

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah, when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

Yeah, when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my Maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of His amazing grace

Yeah, when I get where I'm going
Oh, when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear

When I get where I'm going
Yeah, when I get where I'm going

Kinabalu Girl

One of my longest online friend from Mexico, always address me ‘Hey..Kinabalu girl, how are you?”. At first I don’t bother about it. To me it’s natural because I came from Sabah in which Mount Kinabalu located about. Then one day, I asked him ‘why you keep calling me Kinabalu Girl since you know my name?’ He answered me ‘Kinabalu is the name of the tallest mountain in South-East Asia. By calling you that, it will remind me’. Then I asked him, if he knows the legends of the Mount Kinabalu. He did not know except, Kinabalu is one of the safest mountain to climb..hahahhaaa.. I asked him to goggle the stories behind the name of Kinabalu…lets him find out first..lol..

Everyone knows Mount Kinabalu one of the tallest mountains in South-East Asia but some do not know the legend behind it. Some stories can consider as a myth. I don’t care how they look into it as for me being a biggest local ethnic in Sabah make me proud…lol. The biggest local ethnic in Sabah is Dusun. Dusun can be categorized into few tribes like Lotud, Lundayeh, Tidung, Tindal… so many to write.. lol. But now, most people addressed us as Kadazandusun (1989 conference KDCA) due to the identity crisis that had crippled and impeded the growth and development of the Kadazan-Dusun multi-ethnic community in socio-culturally, economically and politically. Kadazanism vs Dusunism sentiments were politices in early 60’s. The best alternative approach to resolve this problem is to use Kadazandusun. I don’t care about it either because we came from the same ‘tree’. .^-^

Back to the Mount Kinabalu, there is few version of the legend/myth…

The mountain’s name brings many stories with regards to the origin of its name. The first derivation of the word Kinabalu was taken from the KadazanDusun word ‘Aki Nabalu’, which translated means ‘the revered place of the dead’. The locals believed that the spirits were roaming on the peak of the mountain, feeding off moss that grows amongst bare rock. Upon ascent to the peak, the Kadazandusuns would perform religious ceremonies to appease the spirits of the mountain. In the modern times, the Kinabalu park guides perform these rituals. If you lucky enough, you can join the shows too..hehheee

A second source states that the name Kinabalu derives from “Cina Balu” (or translated to a Chinese Widow). The pronunciation of the word “Cina” (chee-na) was change to “Kina” (Kee-na) due to the influence of the KadazanDusun of Sabah. The story goes that a Chinese prince was cast away to Borneo when his ship sank in the middle of the South China Sea. After being rescue by natives from a nearby village, he grew fond of the people and was then accepted by the natives. He fell in love with a local girl and eventually married her. As the years passed, he felt homesick and requested permission from his new found family to return back to China to visit his parents. He had promised that after his trip back to China, he would return to Borneo to take her and their children to China.Upon his return to China, he was given a grand welcome, but to his dismay, his parents disagreed on bringing back his family, which he had left in Borneo. It was arrange that he was to wed a princess from a neighboring kingdom. As such, he obeyed his parents with a heavy heart. His wife back in Borneo decided to wait for his ship to return. She decided to climb the highest mountain in her village every morning at sunrise to get a better view of the coast, but eventually her efforts took a toll as she fell ill and died at the peak of the mountain whilst waiting for her husband’s return. The people in her hometown village were gravely touched by her and decided to name the mountain Kinabalu in remembrance of her… how touching. In modern time, I don’t dare to say if any ladies outside there still do the same. But, I’m very sure 70% might be 'cabut' already..lol..

The others is about a Chinese Prince seeking a huge pink pearl that exists at the very top of the mountain and guarded by a ferocious dragon. After a terrific battle, he slays the dragon and took the pearl, whereon he married local Kadazandusun woman. He got homesick and deserted his wife to return to China and the heartbroken wife wandered to the mountain and was turned to stone… beware if you ever climb mount Kinabalu and saw a beautiful ladies… hehheee..

By the way if you ever visit Sabah, don’t forget to put in your list to climb Mount Kinabalu and I’m happy to be your guide but up to the feet of the mountain only!!! Hahahahaa…

My First Drawing...

While I’m surfing internet this morning, I saw a very familiar pictures. As I trying hard to remembered, I accidentally click on the image and knowing instantly… yes, ‘flower in the vase’ is one of my first drawing with watercolor in primary school. My class Teacher asked us to draw whatever things we saw in our classroom. As I gazed around, my eyes saw a dusty and faded picture hanging at the wall. I told my Teacher and pointing to the object ‘I’m going to draw that flower in a vase’. She smiled to me and answered ‘good choice! You will remember this painting when you grew up’. Now I understand why she told me like that. It is Vincent Van Gogh popular painting!!! Wah… I feel so blessed.. heheheee.. I google about Vincent Van Gogh and found out the painful story behind those drawings…

Flower in the vase...

Vincent van Gogh is one of the history's greatest artists. His fame was never realized during his own lifetime. In fact, Vincent was a much misunderstood. Peoples cannot accept his idea and called him crazy although he came from wealthy family. Most people did not accept or love him because of this condition. Eventually, it got the better of him and he took his own life. He loves arts very much. He put all his expression and feeling to the drawing. He observed people lives and draw to the canvas.

The pain of depression and rejection could not overcome the love he had for his art. Being not completely insane but yet suffering recurring emotional pain, he took his own life. Vincent Van Gogh and his art were like lovers in a relationship. The love is still there though the body not.

One of the drawing in my classroom... I couldn't draw this ... hahhahaa...

Sometimes we did not realized our past actions but slowly know when we're getting older... (hahahaa… I’m getting older..la la la…)

Oh..Friday

Time past so fast.... it's Friday now. Dont know what to do..I should make an advance plan for every weekend otherwise I'll spend it in front of TV, sleep and eat more till Sunday evening..hehheehee.. not good for woman right?...keep adding weight, lazy and tired.. what are you going to do guys? For tonight I planned to watch movie..lol..

By the way, I've got a promotion price from my friend for her newly open beauty shop (2nd shop). What a good idea since now 'bulan tua' and at the same time I really need a body massage and scrubing and its really cheap!!..thanks God. It's not easy to look for the package below RM100 for this two combination... normal price can add up to RM200++. I considered myself lucky this weekend..hehheee... night time? a friend of mine told me....'let' s go to hu ha hu ha..' emm... good idea. Maybe I should join...emm...still thinking about it..lol..

Anyway, have a blessed Friday night guys....

The Days That I Should Be Grateful

Every morning we wake up, there must be some 'leftover' from yesterday which, sometimes will affect our days. We should be grateful for what lesson we received yesterday. Some hards..some not.. and for that I wanted to remind myself..that I should be grateful each day...to count my blessing... yes it is hard, it is hurts.. and I'm start counting now..

The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends

The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed

The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat

A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have home

The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking

The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear

The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear

Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive

The alarm clock that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarms rings, thank you Lord that I can hear. There are many who are deaf

Even though I keep my eyes closed againts the morning light as long as possible, thank you Lord that I can see. Many are blind

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, no hot water for coffee, tempers are short..thank you Lord for my family. There are many who are lonely

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures im magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you lord for the food we have. There are many who are hungry

Even though the routine of my job often is hard, thank you Lord for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job

Even though I grumle and bemoan my fate from day and wish my circumtances were not modest, thank you Lord for the life

If God brings you to it-He will bring you through it...

(hehehehe... jiwang mood activated..lol..)

Are We In Making....?

I'm very upset with the news today... burning..bombing.. what happen to all of us? what happen to the 1Malaysian? what happen to the '5 Rukun Negara'?

Another disapointment? Yes Indeed..................